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Part III

Bella’s love map

I'm using the term loosely, in this case I'm going to point out a little bit of how Bella’s personal definition of love came to be and why her actions on the story.

Note that all this is happening in Bella's subconscious. Normal people, unless they got a psychoanalyst, can't get to imagine why they like the things they like so it’s not something we hear Bella say or acknowledge.

Renee had Bella and soon after it she left Forks, then Bella became her companion, for the longest time they were the two of them against the world and since Renee is very unstable Bella had to assume the role of the responsible one, the caretaker so that every time Renee found a new temporary hobby, the house wouldn't crumble.

Now this created in Bella’s psyche the idea that love means to be needed, to fit a role in someone’s life. Her mother needed her and she did everything within her power to fill that need. That created a generational gap among her peers, that is why Bella doesn't behave like a normal teenager and is pretty much in charge of her life at a very young age.

Now, a collateral damage of this is that she cannot connect with normal teens, she got an emotional gap as well, thus why Bella never had a boyfriend or fell in love before at seventeen and her few friends in Phoenix didn’t keep in touch with her or she with them, when she moved.

Now this dynamic worked for both of them till Renee found another person to fulfill the need for stability she got from Bella and our heroine was already too old to change back to the role of the kid, thus she was emotionally devastated. Her mother clearly established that Phil was her new rock and when he was away she was not able to connect with Bella the way she had before. And if Renee is anything like Bella when she is depressed I can imagine that her mother was a complete train wreck when she was away from her new husband. Bella had to make a choice.

Bella could had tried what many teenagers do under this circumstances: try to break them up or at least create enough DRAMA! to gain attention again, and maybe regain some of her position in her mother's life. Instead, she tried to give her mother happiness and left, now this is a selfless act but it also was something she might have have thought as a solution. Her father was still single and “lonely”, I can imagine Bella though that he could probably need someone to take care of him so the move would give both of them happiness.

But Bella was wrong; Charlie enjoyed a quiet lonely life, with simple food, simple hobbies and a couple of friends. Bella insisted on trying to cook for him in an effort to get him to need her, but it was useless.

Of course Bella was not happy about this but it was time to meet other teens, at school we can clearly see how big a gap she has when her peers do nice things to her but she doesn't quite see them as nice, she just feels pressured, she is not ready to try and connect with teens of her age thus their advances are unwelcome. Look how she only truly likes Angela, the shy one, because she is not forcing the link, but waiting for Bella to get used to it on her own terms. And about the boys that ask her out all of them are part of a social group, they look adjusted and normal, they don’t need her.

Now something amazing happens. The Cullen kids.
The Cullen kids are attractive, but despised; they are isolated in the middle of the crowded school. Bella can relate to that, she finds out that they are all couples, all of them except for the slim one. He was alone for no good reason.

Bella's psyche most had jumped right away. Even if she doesn't have enough self esteem to actually think the lonely one might be interested, she still can see there is a void that she could feel that maybe he would need her, maybe as a friend or someone that understands the isolation, the seeds were planted.

Now Edward's reaction (disgust and avoidance) was devastating to her because she already entertained (subconsciously of course) the though of maybe filling that empty seat at the cafeteria table and to find out the total opposite reaction brought her to the tears we testified.

Now I don’t think Bella is totally stupid, if Edward would have kept his distance I’m sure she would probably concentrate again on her father or try to find another socially challenged kid to connect with. But of course a miracle happens: Edward saves Bella's life.

This is the bond that will join them together forever. Bella finds out there is a secret and decides to create the first glimpse of intimacy by not telling anyone about it. This is the first need she identifies on Edward, the need to keep his secret. She fulfilled her role, she is showing her willingness to be whatever he needs her to be and this secret is powerful enough to make her attraction to Edward stronger and maybe to move him enough to try and approach.

The rest of the story just lures Bella longer into finding the need to fill to be whole and complete, to be loved and be able to love. Edward shows her sides of him that she can start to accommodate in her psyche (he needs someone to protect thus her fragility is endearing for the first time ever, he needs someone to have faith in him since he sees himself as barely human, so she does that too), when she meets the Cullens she is already in love with Edward but she sees that they are all couples that had been together for decades and they are only missing a female, Edward's companion. Now the bound is unbreakable. They receive her, mostly, with open arms and show her a place she could be needed forever. There is no going back from Bella at that point.

Now her insistence on becoming a vampire has to do with the love she has for Edward because she knows that even if he believes that he would love her forever the idea of being replaced, yet again, when she gets older, or if she gets sick or dies or if another vampire girl enters his life, her humanity could become an annoyance and a defect at any point in time its too much to bear, the danger of losing her place at some point and there won’t be a point to return and that she would never really be needed as human as she will be needed as a vampire on the family. She needs to become a vampire in order to keep the place she found, the best place life had offered so far and probably would never be offered again and she needs to do it fast since most of the Cullens are not older than her, she doesn’t want to pass as the new aunt at some point she wants a place that cannot be taken by anyone else ever. Edward’s mate, Alice’s and Emmet’s sister, Esme and Carlisle daughter. She want a place on that family and the heart of the man she loved.

All this leads to the deep depression she got into once Edward left her in New Moon.

Now, many people think that all this means that Bella needs a man in her life, she doesn't need a man but someone, anyone, she can connect and fulfill a role to have a sense of self, someone that needs her. If Edward had broken up with her but Alice had sticked around I'm sure Bella would had fared much better.

Jacob connecting to Bella was due to the fact that there was no one else for her to connect with, the human friends are too adjusted, Charlie also had his life and she started to see a need for her from him, a lot less than Edward's but he needed her, she could fill the tiny void and be with him, second best because she had no choice, but once Alice came to visit, Bella started to take a distance from him, almost instantly this shows IMO that is not about the gender but the company. She could be Alice’s sister again. Jacob became lower on her list of affections.

The love triangle on the rest of the books was mostly due to Bella not knowing who needed her more. Jacob was insistent on his advances and the threads he made were proof that he needed her, but Edward centuries' old solitude, and hard work to find ways to make her happy, plus the family she might belong forever were bigger than Jacob's thus she choose Edward.

Now at this point she thought no one will need her more than Edward and thus she was ready to leave everything behind for him, humanity and childbearing. But she found someone that needed her more once she got pregnant and for the first time since she meet him, Edward became second in Bella's life. The baby needed her more and she was not going to back down from him or her, even if it she was risking her own life.

Bella need of being needed is the reason; her love for Edward didn't know boundaries or rationality. Now this doesn't make it any less true love, it just explains where the bond came from and became so strong so fast.



Next time Edward's lovemap.